I love karma. It’s such a fantastic concept. It’s the balance of life – the backhand of the golden rule. You fuck someone over – someone fucks you over right back.
Unfortunately, karma is inconsistent at best. Society, as a whole, has become overly tolerant of jackasses, idiots, and left-lane huggers. The balance is thrown off. I’m here to help. I believe in ‘karma enforcement.’ I’m a vigilante for society.
Recently I took a trip to Farm & Fleet to return a car battery. It turns out that I’m not really handy enough to buy a car battery without help from some greasy minimum wage kid and his all-knowing green screened computer. While waiting rather patiently for my turn at the tire desk, the girl in front of me receives a phone call. She steps out of the line with her 3 whiny babies. I noticed how polite this was of her – because I’m observant, but also celebrated my improved line position – because I’m an asshole.
Within the minute, this old bitch with a walker and a goatee steps up behind me. She asks if I’m next in line, and I respond with a simple, “Yes.”
Then the girl with the babies comes back RIGHT as the guy at the tire desk calls the next person. Rather than taking the opportunity, I insisted that the girl with the babies go in front of me. I briefly explain to the sack of wrinkles behind me that the girl with the babies was actually there before all of us.
This lady was clearly upset. She positions her walker next to me, as if lining up for a fucking drag race. I knew what was going on. She was going to cut me off and go next. Clearly she knows that she’ll die soon.
I didn’t feel confident enough in my anger management ability to actually confront her when the guy called “next” and she zipped in front of me. I was afraid that I’d snap and choke a bitch. But I was also FURIOUS.
I listened as the clerk told her that they were booked and she’d need to come back some other time. I thought, “yeah – karma…… kinda”
It just wasn’t enough!
As she made an appointment for the next day, my brain went into karma terrorist mode. I pulled out my phone and took note of her name (Shirley) and phone number as she scheduled her appointment for 1:30 the next day. This would give her time to have lunch after church, she said.
I added her as contact in my phone with the initial thought of doing a series of late night prank phone calls, but as I left the store 30 minutes later I had a better idea:
I got home and made a call to Farm & Fleet. “Hello, my name is Frank and I’m calling for my Mother, Shirley. She was just in and made an appointment for tomorrow at 1:30. Something came up, and she needs to cancel that appointment.”
I had planned to go back to the store at 1:30ish to enjoy the cinematic display of karma in action, but I decided it was healthier to stay home and attempt to replace the car battery that got me into this mess in the first place.